broke my heart, now what?
I thought about reading that book.
That love story.
The one you gave me to read.
The one I started yesterday and fell for, hard, like I did for you.
But I didn’t.
I hate that book, it reads just like you. Perfect.
There is no bullshit. It’s straightforward.
A boy likes a girl.
A girl likes a boy.
They fall in love…
Well that’s where I am so far. But I wont finish it. Because that’s where I want to leave it.
They fall in love…
That doesn’t happen to me.
I try to stay away from…feelings. Once I thought I loved someone, until I really loved someone.
It sounds so ridiculous because I have known you a month. Actually, less than a month.
Wow, yeah…that’s ridiculous.
You should know something about me; I am full of badass relationship advice. I swear I am.
Its about 100% linked to the fact that I have never been in one.
Well, before I met you, I made a promise. A promise to never let a man control my happiness. To never let a man have that power over me. To never…let them win.
You win.
Its like my insides have been ripped out.
Like you are grinding them into the stain resistant carpet.
My body is numb.
Until its not.
And it hurts again.
Like I have lost everything.
Like it’s not going to be okay.
It will never be okay.
I can’t be happy without you.
My body is numb again.
I should be angry. I should yell at you.
I should fill a text with nasty things and harsh words.
I should make you feel bad for what you did.
But you don’t even know you hurt me, so I cant.
We can be friends. We will just be friends.
We can still hang out and go on walks and talk for hours.
Right?
Okay then, but we can still be friends.
We don’t have to call each other anything. We don’t ever have to label it.
We can be a secret.
As long as I still get to talk to you.
As long as I get to look at you.
As long as you’re still looking at me.
But it will never be the same look.
It can’t be over. I can’t feel like this and be wrong. I don’t pick my men lightly, and I don’t show emotion. You will never hear me utter that I like you too, or that I’m actually afraid it’s too much. You wont hear me cry after you hurt me.
But I picked you.
And I did.
And you did.
And now I’m so head over heals for you I feel like I could explode.
I want to be with you all the time. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to learn from you and with you. I want you to hold my hand awkwardly in the car. I want you to pay for me when I tell you not to. I want to walk with you in perfect silence. I want to look at your smiling eyes when you’re about to laugh. I want you to be safe. I want you to be happy.
You aren’t happy with me.
I thought I had never seen a man so happy.
What a mask you wear.
It’s really not even that big of a deal. I’m not some prude. I wasn’t trying to wait until marriage. I just wanted someone that I really had feelings for to take it. Someone I really adored, who adored me.
“You’re so beautiful”
“I just want to make you smile”
“I really like you”
HA!! Don’t lie to me.
I don’t get that, I don’t deserve that.
Crying sucks, especially when trying to simultaneously puff a cancer stick and sing along to The Beatles. Nothing good comes of it. It’s messy and puffs up my eyes. It leaves my nose stuffed up and doesn’t accomplish anything.
There is nothing I would rather do right now then cry.
1. Everything.
^Just some stuff that makes me think of you^
“Sorry to let you down…”
Yeah it’s fine, it was just my virginity,
And my heart.
That’s all.
What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? Did it freak you out when I cried? Where we moving too fast? Is there still a chance for us? Maybe in the future? Far future? Did you really like me? Are you an Oscar winning actor that I knew nothing about? How did I turn you off so fast? How do you just turn off your feelings like that? Do you still like me? Will you ever like me again? Do I have to change so that you will love me? How can I change, how can I make you happy?
I will never trust again.
Not with my heart.
Not with my thoughts.
Not with my body.
It’s not normal that you hurt me so badly in our short encounter. I know this, I’m not crazy. This is not my normal reaction. I would normally tell myself to stay reserved, play it cool. I normally run before they do. It’s not normal that I like you at all. I normally don’t like new people. I would normally smile through it. It’s not normal to cry when it’s over after only a week of face time. I normally don’t go loony. I would normally be normal.
But you aren’t normal.
You are anything but normal.
And you make me not normal.
Why do you do that to me?
